I did not choose my word for 2013. It chose me.
One morning my small group’s discussion was focused on expectations, and I shared how I was beginning to see just how many expectations I put on myself, others, and the world around me. I was starting to realize how much I expect things to go my way. And when they don’t, I get frustrated. Or angry. Or, if it is the tenth time that day, I might just lose all control, convinced my body is about to collapse, and open my mouth as nonsensical loud noises begin to burst forth.
I expect a lot, I have come to find. I expect people to say thank you when I go out of my way to help them. I expect to get what I pay for. I expect people to forgive me if I apologize. I expect a shower with hot water. I expect my child to get sick only on days I am able to miss work. I expect the sun to shine. I expect my husband to know exactly what I want without having to say a word. I expect a fortune cookie when I order Chinese food.
When I finished my rant, a friend said to me ‘I think your My One Word for next year is going to be EXPECTATION’ and suddenly I felt the Holy Spirit wash over me and I knew this was a God-thing. That would be my word. I felt tears well up in my eyes, because what my friend didn’t know at the time was that my husband and I were trying for another pregnancy. I immediately felt reassured that my prayers would be answered. And soon, since it was already November. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was already pregnant.
I found out a few weeks later, and a few weeks after that, found out that the pregnancy would not be successful. I miscarried a week later. It was one of the hardest trials in my life, and certainly in our marriage as well. I felt confused by the reassurance I felt I had received, and wondered what God was up to. As time begins to separate me from this devastation, I can more clearly see my expectation. I had placed expectations on the pregnancy, but had I also placed expectations on God?
My One Word for 2013 started working on my heart well before the calendar turned over, and from the looks of things, will continue to do so. As expected.