This year is turning out to be one of the toughest I have ever had. I acquired a new position at work, I thought it would be a promotion and a raise that I would love and enjoy. I spent almost fifteen years earning my way to this career. Being federal employment you’d think I would have no worries, right?? Wrong!! The person that I work for has turned a complete 180. I met her two years ago when I began working in the same office as a contract employee, in her section. I worked my way up and was hired to my first federal employment position, a different section. I thought life was grand, no worries, job security, benefits. But the minute she finally manipulated me back into a position in her section, directly under her, she turned into a person who is racist against white people, she feels that she has the right to abuse her power as a minority, she feels I have no rights and she can do what ever she wants and get away with it. She has manipulated my first six months so that I can’t learn all the aspects of my job that I am supposed to be completing, therefore I will never be able to move forward or up. I will be stuck in the same position until she grants me access to leave (she does my annual employee evaluation). She is making my life miserable. She complains constantly that I don’t know my job, she is always getting angry that stuff isn’t done right, she is furious that tasks are not getting completed, or not getting completed on time.
As a single parent, with no family or other support, I am used to doing everything for myself. I was raised under the old adage, you do for yourself, you don’t whine, complain, or feel sorry for yourself, or expect more than you have rightly earned. You earn your keep and be happy for those who are promoted over you because they earned it.
Today was the worst so far, she has maneuvered herself into a position where she has to take me with her, out of the office, to complete a task, and is throwing the terrible-two tantrums because I am not trained to do the task, but I am supposed to know exactly what I am doing.
I started trying doing what I always do, I step back, try to evaluate the situation, try to figure out what is wrong and how do I fix it. That is when Jesus grabbed me by the collar, shook me a little, and woke me up. I received messages everywhere, radio, KLove’s Encouraging Word, Today’s Word with Joel Osteen, Into Thy Word newsletter, tv, computer. You might be suprised the way Jesus finds to get messages through your busy stuffed brains. All the messages could be described by one keyword, surrender. When I stopped and tried to listen, I heard Jesus loud and clear, ‘YOUR DOING IT ALL WRONG”!
I don’t know if I’ll make it a full year, but I bought Mornings With Jesus from Guideposts, I stop and spend time with Jesus every night. I have just about given up doing nothing (relaxing) entirely (I am addicted to videos on the computer, I download the shows I like and watch them later). I read books, fiction and non-fiction, & romance (not the same as fiction). I study prepping for emergencies (not what you might consider a fanatic you might see on tv). I am practicing giving up everything, and let Jesus tell me what he wants me to do. That is not easy. I have to study for a training course that could get me fired if I fail, I have to learn the SOP’s for my job (there are three of them), and spend time with Jesus every night, slow down, meditate, and try to hear what he’s trying to tell me.
So this year, I have chosen SURRENDER, surrender to Jesus, let him take care of everything, wait for him to decide when to move, and when to stay still, find the lesson in each daily task, no matter how hard, frustrating, or quite a lot so far, humiliating! Try to learn humility (I didn’t think I needed it that much), try to learn not to think of myself when it comes to work, and try to be a good supportive mother to three adult children who just left the nest and are going in quite different separate ways than I expected.
As I throw my hands up in the air, I wonder, what next?!