As I try to sleep in my car that I have because I wrecked the last one drunk and think that I wrecked this one too, again drunk I ponder on how lucky am I to have escaped death on both occasions.
The truth is that I drink to escape myself. The truth is that I have a family that loves me though most times I can’t see it. The truth is that I am a liar and hate myself. The truth is that if I don’t stop this behavior I will pass it onto one or both of my kids. The truth is that Levi or Trevor or both will be sitting in IOP in 30 years because of the sins of their father.
I can’t live with that.
I live in hate and remorse for many people, circumstances and things. I have to learn to forgive. I have to learn to both give and receive grace.
I look in the mirror and see only shit.
My self esteem is at an all time low.
I’ve got no where to turn but to a God I hate and love at the same time. I’ve been praying for him to break my heart. He has.
It really sucks.
He is calling me to break my family cycle so that my future generations will not have to live like this.
My one word for this year is BREAK.
Break free from hate. Break free from the chains of alcohol. Break free from unforgiveness. Break free from a sickly warped self identity.
And in that process find forgiveness and grace.