My One Word: Trust
I have a big year ahead of me as I prepare to take the MCAT and apply to medical school by the end of this summer. I also happen to be 32 years old, with 9 years in another career (Naval Aviation) behind me, a career I had very much come to identify myself with and had used to gain a sense of value and self-worth. So when I married my husband 3 1/2 years ago, it was with a very real understanding that our careers and lifestyles were going to be very hard to mesh, as he was an active duty service member in a different service branch than me and was stationed on the opposite side of the country. We also had opposite deployment schedules for the first 2 years of our marriage, and we were beginning to struggle a lot with all the time away from each other. It took me over a year to let go of my old ego, way of life, and everything I had worked for and be completely ok with the decision to follow my heart and trust in what I believed was a marriage God had called me to be in, instead of clinging to my career. To date, it was the scariest decision I ever made…but that leap of faith I took has made me into a person I never thought I could be, a better person than I was before. Every day I still thank God for helping me see that there could be more to life than the one I had only minimally involved Him in. Had it not been for that decision, I never would have fully realized how unhappy I truly was, and never would have had the opportunity to discover a more fulfilling passion/calling for studying medicine. However, even though I have seen the great things God has done for me by placing my trust in Him, I find myself struggling all over again at times. I have fallen so much in love with this new calling, that I now often worry that I will be disappointed, that it will not happen, or that I will discover I am on the wrong path all over again. On a daily basis, I have thoughts like, ‘The odds are so small that I will get in at all, let alone in the <5 schools I will be able to apply to that will be co-located with where my husband would be able to find his next set of orders,' or 'What if I get too old/busy to try to have kids? When in all of this over-zealous planning and career change would I have the time/energy to do something my husband and I always talk about?' or 'What if I can't pay for all of it? What will we do for money if I do become pregnant until my residency is over? Who would watch the child when I have to be on call?' The list goes on…TRUST has become my word all over again, because I find myself coming back to the same fears I began with when I first got married and had to leave my first career. I love the person that God made me by being with my husband, and I want to keep that aspect of myself there by trusting in God and what He has in store for me, no matter whether or not it involves medicine. Though I am confident this is the road I should be on right now, I want to stop worrying so much about the future and allow God to do His work, because He can do it better than I can.